I changed my home page to this blog, so that I would be more inspired into blogging more... ya, didn't happen. Just made me more guilty and frustrated that I haven't stuck to doing it every month. :P
But that's ok because the reason this went by the wayside, is because I have been working on ME. Looking at this blog made me realize just how pessimistic I have become and EW, I didn't like that. That really isn't me. When did I change? Well, I kinda know... its been a long process... and so I have been immersing myself in healing and growing my relationship with God. It seems that I have been trying to control my relationships. You can't control relationships though, because that's the beauty of relationships and friendships, its Two (or more?) people giving of themselves. If I am trying to control the relationship I am having no boundaries and demanding/rejecting the other person's personal area.
So, I have been in this awesome group called Hunger for Healing. Its funny, because I was in a similar group before I had Karlie, for like 2 yrs, called Christ Centered Change and God had done amazing things growing and changing me... and then its like I forgot it all or something, and here I am back at it... growing and changing again.
I guess its not a forgetting thing... everyone uses the analogy of an onion, and it is true. God will only reveal and bring us to a place to change certain things, that HE wants to change. One at a time, or a few at a time, not everything at once. So, its a continual process, this growing. Sometimes is painful, sometimes its humbling, sometimes its scary... but its good in the big scheme.
I don't want to control people or relationships or friendships. And you can't control your relationship with God. hahah I have been trying and it doesn't work! :) hahah I guess I have come to realize that I struggle with giving Him control. I give it to Him, but then like 5min later, I take it back. I KNOW He can do a WAY Better job with my life than I can, and I WANT Him to be in control... yet I just can't seem to leave it alone! Have you struggled with this?
So this is my big thing I'm really working on. The HFH group is actually a 12-step class and I'm kinda stuck on step 7, and feel like I have to keep going back to Step 3 to say YES God I am willing to let You be in control. Because I really REALLY do feel like I am willing. Its just, then I take it back. UGHHH!!
Right now, I'm pretty sure its just control of finances that I struggle with. ALWAYS struggled with totally giving it all to God. I know HE is the one that always provides for us, because even when numbers don't line up, He always makes sure we have what we need. I've never gone hungry or homeless, or whatever... Maybe I don't get to go out for coffee dates or big cloth shopping trips, but really, I have clothes so its not a big deal. And yet, it is part of my struggle.
The last few Christmas' God's really been working on me being humble and keeping my focus on the REAL reason of Christmas. Something has always come up, so that we don't have extra money to get gifts for all our family, and I HATE that. I want to give gifts. I LOVE giving gifts, especially at Christmas. I would have never said that Gifts are part of my love language, but giving them at Christmas, totally is. And I am still struggling with it. I wonder why I can't get my act together and get gifts through out the year for people so then I don't have this problem, and I think its denial. Denial that we're still in this place and that things haven't changed. I keep expecting us to have lots more money for no reason.
So, I am now on the search to find amazing gift ideas that aren't expensive, but are super cool to get. If I could make something for our extended family, I wouldn't feel so bad. I have a month, to make 8 gifts. I can do it. Need some awesome ideas for kids or adults or parent gifts!! I've done cookies and mixes... and family photos... but ... awkward gifts to give when they are giving you gift certificates and all sorts of nice expensive things. I know. Humility, Becky. man it hurts my pride tho.
Anyways... This blog is changing... I'm going to try to be more of sharing my struggles and being real, but not complaining, - seeing what God is trying to teach me and be thankful... going to see if I can do it. :) Of course ONLY with HIS help! :)
- Be Blessed -
"There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven. A time to give birth and a time to die; A time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted. A time to kill and a time to heal; A time to tear down and a time to build up. A time to weep and a time to laugh; A time to mourn and a time to dance. A time to throw stones and a time to gather stones; A time to embrace and a time to shun embracing. A time to search and a time to give up as lost; A time to keep and a time to throw away. A time to tear apart and a time to sew together; A time to be silent and a time to speak. A time to love and a time to hate; A time for war and a time for peace." Ecclesiastes 3:1-8