Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

"There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven. A time to give birth and a time to die; A time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted. A time to kill and a time to heal; A time to tear down and a time to build up. A time to weep and a time to laugh; A time to mourn and a time to dance. A time to throw stones and a time to gather stones; A time to embrace and a time to shun embracing. A time to search and a time to give up as lost; A time to keep and a time to throw away. A time to tear apart and a time to sew together; A time to be silent and a time to speak. A time to love and a time to hate; A time for war and a time for peace." Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Saturday, November 26, 2011

I love being a mom, but lately I have just really gotten frustrated with it. Between the whiny-ness, potty training that she is insistant that I and ONLY I can help her and MUST stay in the bathroom with her or else she cries, the obsession with TV or lollipops, her way too fast busy naughtiness, early mornings or no money to go out anywhere, I'm just over it somedays.

Especially when my husband gets to go on work retreats or gets paid for a "white day" which is when he gets to just go away for the 8hrs and spend time with God. Or a "mental health" day where he gets paid to not work.
Or is given gift cards because he is appreciated...

It makes me jealous and miss going to work myself.
Especially around the holidays. I miss Secret Santa gifts and Christmas parties and knowing for the most part what my day was going to entail - without much whining.

Being a mom is so under-appreciated.
I don't get feedback from clients saying "wow this is so great, thank you!!" or co-workers asking how I did something because they like it and having an intelligent conversation about it.
I get "Mommmmaa pleeease.", "Momma no!", "No! no!"
But I do get the amazing hugs and laughter and smiles... which are great... just... not the same thing.

But I don't get to have a Christmas party on the  company where I get to dress up and go out and have fun - eating & drinking on their expense. Sure I can do those things, but at MY expense.

Secret Santa is replaced with BEING santa... with no gifts back from your kiddo, unless the spouse does it.

I just feel take for granted right now. Probably just tiredness and hormones... I know I wouldn't trade this motherhood thing for a full-time job anyday, but I just miss those things ya know?

Friday, November 25, 2011

It's such a blessing to have all our families near-by. However when it comes to holidays - it gets tricky. How to spend time with both sides of the family, without getting wore out? I mean, we want to spend time with both of them, but in all honesty, I prefer my family. We play games, we talk, we're close. My in-laws... there's some verbal pleasantries exchanged, but its not "close" feeling and we don't play games - just eat, a lil visiting and then leave.
This Thanksgiving we had planned to meet at my sisters early so we could all put our kids down for naps and play games. We had time for only 1 game. :(  and then we had to leave to the next family before we could have dessert. I totally miss just hanging out with my family.
In all honesty, with having 2 kids next year, I really don't want to do the 2 family run each holiday, so I'm conflicted about what to do. I totally prefer my families food, because it's what I grew up eating. Stuff I know and love.
This year because we ran out, we didn't get to make "take home" plates, and thankfully my family did split up the turkey and yams... but that was all we got for left overs. Pretty quite disappointing. I had made mashed potatoes, and I guess there were none of those left over?
I have come to realize I have expectations for the holidays and the next day when I want some left over dessert or something... I feel jipped.
It was my fault for not making a take-home plate in the 1st place. So its not anyone's fault... just a bummer.

When I shared my let-downs, my DH said we should just start alternating holidays with family. I guess we can... but in all honesty, I know I will be really disappointed to not see my family on a thanksgiving. I've accepted that I no longer get to do the Big Townley-side family thing on Christmas Eve for the last 3 years... since we do Christmas with the in-laws that night. And usually Easter with his family. And 4th of July... hhmmmm... wow... I gues I have never wrote this out, becuase I have never realized that the only holidays we DO get with my family is Christmas Day (they get us Christmas Eve tho, so doesn't that cancel out?) and half of Thanksgiving...

Maybe this is why subconsciously I have such a hard time on holidays. Nothing like what I grew up with. Of course the "Christian" holidays like Christmas & Easter DH has to work anyways, so that's really different already. Something I'm still processing and learning to accept in a way.

How do other people do it with families that are all in town?

I would LOOOOVE to just have them all get together, but I know that is WAY too many people for any of our homes and not what the in-laws would enjoy. We did do Easter at our home when I was pregnant, had the in-laws and 2 sisters and their families over. My parents were out of town and my other sister still lived out of state, so it was smaller than it is now.

I know that every season keeps changing... and I think that I find that disturbing as well, that I can't just know what its going to be like every year. Next year we'll have 2 kids and my other sister will have a kid, and so we're still growing. At some point we'll have to start doing our own I know, and that makes me kinda sad.
Who knows... maybe we won't. Just what is swimmin around my head and needed to get it out.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

I changed my home page to this blog, so that I would be more inspired into blogging more... ya, didn't happen. Just made me more guilty and frustrated that I haven't stuck to doing it every month. :P
But that's ok because the reason this went by the wayside, is because I have been working on ME.  Looking at this blog made me realize just how pessimistic I have become and EW, I didn't like that. That really isn't me. When did I change? Well, I kinda know... its been a long process... and so I have been immersing myself in healing and growing my relationship with God. It seems that I have been trying to control my relationships. You can't control relationships though, because that's the beauty of relationships and friendships, its Two (or more?) people giving of themselves. If I am trying to control the relationship I am having no boundaries and demanding/rejecting the other person's personal area. 
So, I have been in this awesome group called Hunger for Healing. Its funny, because I was in a similar group before I had Karlie, for like 2 yrs, called Christ Centered Change and God had done amazing things growing and changing me... and then its like I forgot it all or something, and here I am back at it... growing and changing again.
I guess its not a forgetting thing... everyone uses the analogy of an onion, and it is true. God will only reveal and bring us to a place to change certain things, that HE wants to change. One at a time, or a few at a time, not everything at once. So, its a continual process, this growing. Sometimes is painful, sometimes its humbling, sometimes its scary... but its good in the big scheme.

I don't want to control people or relationships or friendships. And you can't control your relationship with God. hahah I have been trying and it doesn't work! :) hahah  I guess I have come to realize that I struggle with giving Him control. I give it to Him, but then like 5min later, I take it back. I KNOW He can do a WAY Better job with my life than I can, and I WANT Him to be in control... yet I just can't seem to leave it alone! Have you struggled with this?

So this is my big thing I'm really working on. The HFH group is actually a 12-step class and I'm kinda stuck on step 7, and feel like I have to keep going back to Step 3 to say YES God I am willing to let You be in control.  Because I really REALLY do feel like I am willing. Its just, then I take it back. UGHHH!!

Right now, I'm pretty sure its just control of finances that I struggle with. ALWAYS struggled with totally giving it all to God. I know HE is the one that always provides for us, because even when numbers don't line up, He always makes sure we have what we need. I've never gone hungry or homeless, or whatever... Maybe I don't get to go out for coffee dates or big cloth shopping trips, but really, I have clothes so its not a big deal. And yet, it is part of my struggle.
The last few Christmas' God's really been working on me being humble and keeping my focus on the REAL reason of Christmas. Something has always come up, so that we don't have extra money to get gifts for all our family, and I HATE that. I want to give gifts. I LOVE giving gifts, especially at Christmas. I would have never said that Gifts are part of my love language, but giving them at Christmas, totally is. And I am still struggling with it. I wonder why I can't get my act together and get gifts through out the year for people so then I don't have this problem, and I think its denial. Denial that we're still in this place and that things haven't changed. I keep expecting us to have lots more money for no reason.
So, I am now on the search to find amazing gift ideas that aren't expensive, but are super cool to get. If I could make something for our extended family, I wouldn't feel so bad. I have a month, to make 8 gifts. I can do it. Need some awesome ideas for kids or adults or parent gifts!! I've done cookies and mixes... and family photos... but ... awkward gifts to give when they are giving you gift certificates and all sorts of nice expensive things. I know. Humility, Becky. man it hurts my pride tho.

Anyways... This blog is changing...  I'm going to try to be more of sharing my struggles and being real, but not complaining, - seeing what God is trying to teach me and be thankful... going to see if I can do it.  :)  Of course ONLY with HIS help! :)
- Be Blessed -