here it is March already... well... I guess if I blog once a month thats better than not at all! :) hahah
Life is always chaos I have come to the conclusion. Well, maybe not chaos, but at least crazy. If its not one thing, its another. It feels like there is always a struggle going on. I struggle with myself, I struggle with God, I struggle with Jon, I struggle with Karlie, I struggle with schedules, I struggle with the stupid pets... and now, I am struggling with a new job. Lately I am asking myself "why do I struggle so??" Often I want to give up, run away and return to life's simpler days. *sigh* but that's not really an option.
I cannot go back in time. And trying to relive those days would bring disappointment or frustration. We aren't who we used to be. We aren't where we used to be.
Today in Bible Study one of the ladies shared "If we don't know what's going on, or where we're going. That's good. That means God is in control and doing stuff."
At first I was like "what? that's weird... doesn't make sense!" but the more it resonated in my mind, the more I understood. If I KNOW where I am and what I'm doing and where I'm going... then maybe I am in control. Not God. But when I let it all go, and I don't know what's happening... that's GOD in Control.
think... think... think...
I don't like not being in control.
Having been raised Christian, I pretty much know ALL the right things to say, that people what to hear. Not bragging, because really its detrimental to me. But that doesn't mean I KNOW or BELIEVE 100% with conviction that those things are TRUTH FOR ME. I made Christianity my own faith when I was in high school... and in college/after days I did some research on other religions to definitely decide this was God's Truth. So... I find it weird and unsettling that I feel like my Faith's foundation is being so shaken this last year.
But the more I think about it, is that maybe God is trying to shake out all the incorrect belief systems and "christian talk" that I "know" and instead give me my own personal faith and beliefs beyond what I have been taught.
I thought I was happy where I was in my walk with God over a year ago... but I guess He heard my prayer of "Change me oh Lord" and took me up on that offer.
Since becoming a mom, my identity in who I am has changed. I have heard we are to find our identity in Christ, but really... WHAT does that mean???
Often I hear "this is Jon's wife," or "this is Karlie's mom"of find myself describing myself as one of those... but that isn't to define me.
When asked what I do, I say "I am a Graphic Designer, Or I am a stay at home mom" but again - What I do, doesn't define me.
Just saying "I am a child of God" feels so generic and "churchy" that I don't find any answer in that.
So WHO really... Am I??
I don't really like Change. Why did I ask God to do that??? What was I THINKING??!!?! This really has been the hardest times of my life, and I am hoping that SOON I will get to the end, up on a mountaintop and look down at this valley of growth and change and say "wow God, that was amazing."
Can that be sooner than later Lord?
I asked a lady in my Bible Study if she would meet with me and help me, as it really seems like she is a year ahead of me in life situations and she is on that Mountaintop. Her valleys were low and hard and dark at times, but she made it through it and it gives me hope that I too, will make it through with the grace that she has now. :) I'm excited to talk with her. This will be good!
Lord, please give me the strength and joy in this time.
"There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven. A time to give birth and a time to die; A time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted. A time to kill and a time to heal; A time to tear down and a time to build up. A time to weep and a time to laugh; A time to mourn and a time to dance. A time to throw stones and a time to gather stones; A time to embrace and a time to shun embracing. A time to search and a time to give up as lost; A time to keep and a time to throw away. A time to tear apart and a time to sew together; A time to be silent and a time to speak. A time to love and a time to hate; A time for war and a time for peace." Ecclesiastes 3:1-8