Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

"There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven. A time to give birth and a time to die; A time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted. A time to kill and a time to heal; A time to tear down and a time to build up. A time to weep and a time to laugh; A time to mourn and a time to dance. A time to throw stones and a time to gather stones; A time to embrace and a time to shun embracing. A time to search and a time to give up as lost; A time to keep and a time to throw away. A time to tear apart and a time to sew together; A time to be silent and a time to speak. A time to love and a time to hate; A time for war and a time for peace." Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Seeking Joy... in all the trouble

I can't believe that its February 15th, and I have not blogged much... well I guess as long as I try to make it once a month, I'm doing it so far this  year! :) YAY me!

To be brutally honest, like I'm trying to be always in this blog... I've had a lot going on just INSIDE of me - my mind, and body, hormones, emotions.  For the last year+ I've felt like I just can't do IT anymore. What's "IT" you may ask... my life.
It seems somehow, somewhere,  I forgot how to be me. I forgot how to be happy. I forgot how to enjoy life. I lost my self-esteem/confidence. Lost my optimism.
I really struggled thinking something had to be wrong with me. Like I was doing something wrong. Or choosing to be this way, only, I had no clue what it was I was doing wrong or how to "choose" to be different, try as I might. I just didn't or couldn't do anything "right" anymore. I thought maybe it was becuase I wasn't reading the Bible EVERYday. or maybe because I was expecting too much from my husband or others.
And maybe I was?

But after going to my sister's women's hormone health workshop, I realized that its my hormones. Looking back, now I understand why doctors/midwives have you marked if you suffered from depression in the past. It wasn't to watch you like a hawk, it was to be prepared to help more if/when needed, and I should have marked the box.

See, I have probably struggled on and off with depression since I was like 7 or 8. I dunno. I remember being little and just crying. I didn't know why. I just was really emotional and sad, and there was nothing that had started it.

In reality there is something off... but its not something I can really control. So I just did a hormone test, because listening and talking to my sister (who is a PA), I am pretty positive that I am low in most my hormones, and this makes me HAPPY...  not to be low, but to realize that its not ME CHOOSING to be this way, I just have some messed up hormones and this can CHANGE! I CAN CHANGE!!!
I am SUPER excited to feel joy and excitement again. I am sick of being a pessimist, when I'm an optimist at heart. But its SUCH a struggle to be optimistic and that is just not right for me to have to force myself to be happy.

This is a BIG change I am SO looking forward to!!!

Another big change was a started a new job today... being an Independant Contractor for my Natorpath Dr. Erickson. I am excited about this, yet stressed. I just fully realized that this is going to be a "At Home" job for a while... which is awesome, but at the same time REALLY HARD TO DO WITH A ONE YEAR OLD!!!  The idea was for me to have a job to go to to - a: help out financially, b: get some "professional Becky time" and c: time away from Karlie and not feel guilty.
sooo... really "c" should be the first one...
I'm not sure how working from home is going to work with Karlie... I can get a babysitter, its just hard because when she KNOWS I'm home, she just wants me. no one else. So having a babysitter come over, isn't really going to work. So I guess I will need to find a place to take her, to have her get watched. this is where the stress and complications come in. I already struggle finding babysitters, how will I find a set-time babysitter, and be able to afford her? And have her watch Karlie elsewhere? Or I guess I could go to a coffeehouse or some office somewhere...  this should be easier I feel! :) haha

And the next BIG change is Jon changing jobs. He has desired for over a year to be a full-time employee for The Pursuit, our church. However, our financial needs require a higher amount they have ever hired someone at. We have cut our budget down to bare bones and yet... it was till more than they could do.  But I really felt we should do it, and so did Jon... so here goes! $400 Less a month than our needs...  But I did start my job which can bring in $300-ish a month. I just know that financial security is HUGE to me, and this isn't doing it for me!! hahah
Whats that? lean on God? ya know... I felt like I have been, but I really don't think I am since money just keeps getting tighter and tighter. And I get more and more stressed. I think stress is a sin for me.
So I'm laying out there, I don't want to stress about Money or anything anymore. I just want joy.

Alas... I'm going to choose Joy and once my hormones get "fixed up" I'll be more than just choosing to be joyous, I really will be! So here is to the next month. I am excited for you February and March! Let's make changes!! This Chapter shall be called "Seeking Joy."