January has a been a full month already and its not exactly over yet. I turned 30, two of our nephews turned 11 and 17, a dear friend's mother unexpectedly passed away, a woman in my Bible study suddenly had a brain hemorrhage and passed away, finally got a health answer on my abdominal pain, I had an interview and got a job (not starting for a while), a friend has come to visit for the weekend, having a party for my big 30 this weekend, and am possibly planning to be gone traveling all of February except for one week. Without Jon, but with Karlie. Can I do that?
Emotions are turbulent at best. These dear women passing away have really caused me to stop and remember that LIFE is PRECIOUS and fleeting. We can't take a day for granted. We have to rejoice that we will see these women again one day. God has great plans and its selfish to want to keep everyone near us while we are here on earth, but I still hurt for my friends who are suffering this loss. I can't imagine being in the shoes of either of these families.
And then I get busy, and I forget about making each moment important and meaningful. About creating more time to hold the ones closer that are dear to me.
Motherhood has already been working on my selfishness. I never would have said I was so selfish, but being a mom you constantly are choosing to do what is best for your kid (really it is the best for you too in the end, but doesn't really feel like it at the moment) and put your wants aside. Its so good for me. But hard!!
And I'm learning to be more content. oh... two hard lessons at once, Lord have mercy on me!!! Yet He promises to not give us more than we can handle. So often I feel so overwhelmed.
In Bible study this week Beth Moore was talking about how it takes energy to be defeated and depressed. That is SUCKS the life out of us and that is why you are always SO tired and just want to sleep. amen. I can agree to that. For so long I really thought "I" had beat depression. Oh yes, God helped me. But I did it.
Well, Postpartum, here you are. The Lord is showing me that "I" did not beat anything. I may have repressed it and held it off, but only the LORD can heal me and remove it from me. As I've struggled these past 15 months, or more... So often I have felt my cries fall on deaf ears. I felt as though the Lord wasn't listening, didn't care, had more important things than me and it made me angry. So angry. I have never been more angry at the Lord than I have this last year. And I've told Him that. I have screamed, cried, thrown fits, told Him I was going to leave Him if He didn't do something soon.
TOLD THE LORD WHAT TO DO.
I am sure He just was loving me in my fits saying "Baby, I'm working on this already. Why do you think you are having these fits?? why do you think you haven't left? I am here, my grace IS sufficient. You need to lean on ME and not your own ways. I WILL give you the endurance and strength. You and I both know it, but we have a lot of this Selfishness and Control issues that need to be dealt with, and you just need to keep holding on and believing, we're getting through it."
I didn't want to work on me. I was "fixed" already! I had taken care of what I saw needed "fixin" already Lord. Why you wanna mess a "good thing" that I had goin already? Couldn't He just make things around me easier and better than they were and leave me alone?
I didn't mean that.
Okay. I am going to cling to you like a clinging vine Lord. I can't do this. Only You can and You will have to give me the strength and endurance and JOY and love while going through this, because I am empty. I AM exhausted. I am SO tired from my defeat and depression, that I can't fight. So Lord, please fight on my behalf.
I am believing that He IS creating a New Thing in me. Its kinda scary, I don't know what/who this "new thing" is and what if I don't like me? That's silly, I know. But I'm kinda excited too. I am tired of this. Tired of being sad, depressed, unsure.
I am ready to be POSITIVE, upbeat, energetic, excited about life, definitely wanting something NEW! I guess my prayers for the Lord to CHANGE ME, has been heard! :) when you pray it, watch out, He will move. But He is so good. He will help you through it.
"There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven. A time to give birth and a time to die; A time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted. A time to kill and a time to heal; A time to tear down and a time to build up. A time to weep and a time to laugh; A time to mourn and a time to dance. A time to throw stones and a time to gather stones; A time to embrace and a time to shun embracing. A time to search and a time to give up as lost; A time to keep and a time to throw away. A time to tear apart and a time to sew together; A time to be silent and a time to speak. A time to love and a time to hate; A time for war and a time for peace." Ecclesiastes 3:1-8