Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

"There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven. A time to give birth and a time to die; A time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted. A time to kill and a time to heal; A time to tear down and a time to build up. A time to weep and a time to laugh; A time to mourn and a time to dance. A time to throw stones and a time to gather stones; A time to embrace and a time to shun embracing. A time to search and a time to give up as lost; A time to keep and a time to throw away. A time to tear apart and a time to sew together; A time to be silent and a time to speak. A time to love and a time to hate; A time for war and a time for peace." Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

I love our cloth diapers and am super excited about this giveaway - I would LOVE to win any or all of these things!!  Be sure to check it out and enter for yourselves! Of course, if you win, you have to share with me ;) haha  jk!
Go check it out:

Friday, December 2, 2011

So all those diapers back in the day finally paid off! :) hahah  besides controlling the messes, Pampers has those awesome "pamper reward points" and I finally (like a year later?) entered them all in and I got 25 FREE Christmas photo cards from Shutterfly! YAY!!
I am finally ON THE BALL for sending out Christmas Cards - to 25 people :) hahah
So Check Out our Christmas Card for this year, LOVE our family photos by the amazing Carissa of CkG Photography!  I'm posting it to the left  --->

Saturday, November 26, 2011

I love being a mom, but lately I have just really gotten frustrated with it. Between the whiny-ness, potty training that she is insistant that I and ONLY I can help her and MUST stay in the bathroom with her or else she cries, the obsession with TV or lollipops, her way too fast busy naughtiness, early mornings or no money to go out anywhere, I'm just over it somedays.

Especially when my husband gets to go on work retreats or gets paid for a "white day" which is when he gets to just go away for the 8hrs and spend time with God. Or a "mental health" day where he gets paid to not work.
Or is given gift cards because he is appreciated...

It makes me jealous and miss going to work myself.
Especially around the holidays. I miss Secret Santa gifts and Christmas parties and knowing for the most part what my day was going to entail - without much whining.

Being a mom is so under-appreciated.
I don't get feedback from clients saying "wow this is so great, thank you!!" or co-workers asking how I did something because they like it and having an intelligent conversation about it.
I get "Mommmmaa pleeease.", "Momma no!", "No! no!"
But I do get the amazing hugs and laughter and smiles... which are great... just... not the same thing.

But I don't get to have a Christmas party on the  company where I get to dress up and go out and have fun - eating & drinking on their expense. Sure I can do those things, but at MY expense.

Secret Santa is replaced with BEING santa... with no gifts back from your kiddo, unless the spouse does it.

I just feel take for granted right now. Probably just tiredness and hormones... I know I wouldn't trade this motherhood thing for a full-time job anyday, but I just miss those things ya know?

Friday, November 25, 2011

It's such a blessing to have all our families near-by. However when it comes to holidays - it gets tricky. How to spend time with both sides of the family, without getting wore out? I mean, we want to spend time with both of them, but in all honesty, I prefer my family. We play games, we talk, we're close. My in-laws... there's some verbal pleasantries exchanged, but its not "close" feeling and we don't play games - just eat, a lil visiting and then leave.
This Thanksgiving we had planned to meet at my sisters early so we could all put our kids down for naps and play games. We had time for only 1 game. :(  and then we had to leave to the next family before we could have dessert. I totally miss just hanging out with my family.
In all honesty, with having 2 kids next year, I really don't want to do the 2 family run each holiday, so I'm conflicted about what to do. I totally prefer my families food, because it's what I grew up eating. Stuff I know and love.
This year because we ran out, we didn't get to make "take home" plates, and thankfully my family did split up the turkey and yams... but that was all we got for left overs. Pretty quite disappointing. I had made mashed potatoes, and I guess there were none of those left over?
I have come to realize I have expectations for the holidays and the next day when I want some left over dessert or something... I feel jipped.
It was my fault for not making a take-home plate in the 1st place. So its not anyone's fault... just a bummer.

When I shared my let-downs, my DH said we should just start alternating holidays with family. I guess we can... but in all honesty, I know I will be really disappointed to not see my family on a thanksgiving. I've accepted that I no longer get to do the Big Townley-side family thing on Christmas Eve for the last 3 years... since we do Christmas with the in-laws that night. And usually Easter with his family. And 4th of July... hhmmmm... wow... I gues I have never wrote this out, becuase I have never realized that the only holidays we DO get with my family is Christmas Day (they get us Christmas Eve tho, so doesn't that cancel out?) and half of Thanksgiving...

Maybe this is why subconsciously I have such a hard time on holidays. Nothing like what I grew up with. Of course the "Christian" holidays like Christmas & Easter DH has to work anyways, so that's really different already. Something I'm still processing and learning to accept in a way.

How do other people do it with families that are all in town?

I would LOOOOVE to just have them all get together, but I know that is WAY too many people for any of our homes and not what the in-laws would enjoy. We did do Easter at our home when I was pregnant, had the in-laws and 2 sisters and their families over. My parents were out of town and my other sister still lived out of state, so it was smaller than it is now.

I know that every season keeps changing... and I think that I find that disturbing as well, that I can't just know what its going to be like every year. Next year we'll have 2 kids and my other sister will have a kid, and so we're still growing. At some point we'll have to start doing our own I know, and that makes me kinda sad.
Who knows... maybe we won't. Just what is swimmin around my head and needed to get it out.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

I changed my home page to this blog, so that I would be more inspired into blogging more... ya, didn't happen. Just made me more guilty and frustrated that I haven't stuck to doing it every month. :P
But that's ok because the reason this went by the wayside, is because I have been working on ME.  Looking at this blog made me realize just how pessimistic I have become and EW, I didn't like that. That really isn't me. When did I change? Well, I kinda know... its been a long process... and so I have been immersing myself in healing and growing my relationship with God. It seems that I have been trying to control my relationships. You can't control relationships though, because that's the beauty of relationships and friendships, its Two (or more?) people giving of themselves. If I am trying to control the relationship I am having no boundaries and demanding/rejecting the other person's personal area. 
So, I have been in this awesome group called Hunger for Healing. Its funny, because I was in a similar group before I had Karlie, for like 2 yrs, called Christ Centered Change and God had done amazing things growing and changing me... and then its like I forgot it all or something, and here I am back at it... growing and changing again.
I guess its not a forgetting thing... everyone uses the analogy of an onion, and it is true. God will only reveal and bring us to a place to change certain things, that HE wants to change. One at a time, or a few at a time, not everything at once. So, its a continual process, this growing. Sometimes is painful, sometimes its humbling, sometimes its scary... but its good in the big scheme.

I don't want to control people or relationships or friendships. And you can't control your relationship with God. hahah I have been trying and it doesn't work! :) hahah  I guess I have come to realize that I struggle with giving Him control. I give it to Him, but then like 5min later, I take it back. I KNOW He can do a WAY Better job with my life than I can, and I WANT Him to be in control... yet I just can't seem to leave it alone! Have you struggled with this?

So this is my big thing I'm really working on. The HFH group is actually a 12-step class and I'm kinda stuck on step 7, and feel like I have to keep going back to Step 3 to say YES God I am willing to let You be in control.  Because I really REALLY do feel like I am willing. Its just, then I take it back. UGHHH!!

Right now, I'm pretty sure its just control of finances that I struggle with. ALWAYS struggled with totally giving it all to God. I know HE is the one that always provides for us, because even when numbers don't line up, He always makes sure we have what we need. I've never gone hungry or homeless, or whatever... Maybe I don't get to go out for coffee dates or big cloth shopping trips, but really, I have clothes so its not a big deal. And yet, it is part of my struggle.
The last few Christmas' God's really been working on me being humble and keeping my focus on the REAL reason of Christmas. Something has always come up, so that we don't have extra money to get gifts for all our family, and I HATE that. I want to give gifts. I LOVE giving gifts, especially at Christmas. I would have never said that Gifts are part of my love language, but giving them at Christmas, totally is. And I am still struggling with it. I wonder why I can't get my act together and get gifts through out the year for people so then I don't have this problem, and I think its denial. Denial that we're still in this place and that things haven't changed. I keep expecting us to have lots more money for no reason.
So, I am now on the search to find amazing gift ideas that aren't expensive, but are super cool to get. If I could make something for our extended family, I wouldn't feel so bad. I have a month, to make 8 gifts. I can do it. Need some awesome ideas for kids or adults or parent gifts!! I've done cookies and mixes... and family photos... but ... awkward gifts to give when they are giving you gift certificates and all sorts of nice expensive things. I know. Humility, Becky. man it hurts my pride tho.

Anyways... This blog is changing...  I'm going to try to be more of sharing my struggles and being real, but not complaining, - seeing what God is trying to teach me and be thankful... going to see if I can do it.  :)  Of course ONLY with HIS help! :)
- Be Blessed -

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Past, present & future

I find myself dwelling too much on my past. Thinking about how much fun I had when I was single and living in Oregon with my best friends. Somehow, the incredible stress I had during that time doesn't stick with the memories. I have to make myself honestly think about how life really was juggling a job, full-time school, full-time homework projects/assignments, keeping my part of the townhome clean, being active in my church group, and occasionally baby or housesitting.
The stressful part was the school. it was intense!  and it wasn't like read this book and answer these questions. or write this paper, it was Create this art piece  or learn this design program and design this flier/whatever. Granted, this was WAY funner than writing a paper (in my mind). Just took a lot more personal influence.

Anyways. Even with all that... I miss it. I have fond memories of that chapter of my life. I am still friends with those roommates. We're mostly all married and have kids: 3 out of 4 of us. :)
Life has changed.

And then at times I get looking to the future. Wondering what its going to be like? Will my daughter make the choices and mistakes and all that, that I did? Yikes! I dont' want to think about that!

I just need to remind myself to focus on the present. TO learn from the past, to use it in the future, but to dwell in the present. Enjoy the present. Live in the present.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Happiness Challenge

While driving home the other day, (okay actually I was sitting in traffic at a stoplight),  I was looking around at the people and no one was smiling. Not even me. And I was struck with a memory of myself in highschool, driving the family's big ol Ford druck down the freeway (probably speeding, ha!), windows down enjoying summer heat and sunshine (NO AC in that beast) and belting out a song with the radio (which doesn't work now)... with a HUGE smile on my face.
TOTALLY happy at that moment.
(of course then I heard someone honk at me and they waved cheering on my singing, oh my. they can hear me??!?  oh well! I just laughed it off and kept on singing! haha ;D such a great memory!)

So now I'm thinking, wow, when was the last time I did that?? well... not drive the truck, but be THAT happy??
It's been a struggle since having Karlie... or maybe more like... since being pregnant? To be happy.
I WANT to be happy.. I want to feel care-fee and light again... but its like I don't know how to anymore. Its so weird.  I chalk it up to the whole hormone imbalance thing that's getting worked on, anyways... the point is... I decided I needed to TRY to have MORE Happiness in EACH DAY. NOW.

Alright back to sitting in traffic, thinking about needing to be happier... Didn't people ever tell you to fake smile for a while and something chemically changes in you and you start feeling better?  or people say that "laughter is medicine for the soul, its healing to laugh." So this is what the challenge is made from.

I am going to challenge myself to laugh everyday... like GUT laughing. not the polite "hee hee", but laughing for like 30minutes.

Still figuring out how to exactly set this up so that I am definitely going to have something help me laugh GOOD each day.  And also SMILE more. I think everytime I wash my hands I am going to smile.  probably going to creep people out, "why did that girl start smiling as she started washing her hands?? weirdo!" hahaha  awe, good times are a'comin!

DO you have any good ideas or suggestions on getting that good gut-laugh that makes you cry or pee your pants? A good comedian? A funny comic strip? a hilarious movie? silly story? always make you laugh blog? please share!!!

June and July... you are going to be the happiest months of my year so far!!!  I can't wait!!!  :D

bet this made you laugh!!  It did for me ;D

Saturday, May 28, 2011

I like it, like a hole in my head...

Recently I was listening to some older ladies discuss how sarcastic the younger generations are and how they felt it was really disrespectful. I definitely have expressed sarcasm myself and as I was thinking about it... probably everyone I know has expressed it in their communication at some time too.
But their point hit home.
See, when I was in high school I had gone through a girls Bible study and we were talking about how sarcasm is a way to say mean, hurtful, or rude things, in a "joke" setting. But why are we wanting to say those things in the first place? And why do we think its funny to do so?
How do you know when someone is being genuine if they are constantly being sarcastic?

I would like to be a person who means what they say, and people don't have to second guess if I'm joking or serious. That my words speak kindness and life, not any hurt.

So I am trying to work on taking the next month to stop being sarcastic and just be genuine. :) 
Here we go...!

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

So much to say! Mostly about blue and me

I am catching a moment to blog, as it has been on my mind insistently to do so. Where to start?

I started this blog because I needed a way to vent my jumbled emotions of confusion, anger, uncertainty, loneliness, insecurity, frailty, resentment, bitterness, needing to reach out... and yet, I find myself shrinking back from posting the true things I started this for. I don't want people to know these things about me. It's icky!
But its what I've been going through this last year... or longer.

See, I am good at wearing a mask and saying "the right things" that people expect to hear. And for me to stop doing that... well, is hard. I did for a while...  and then when I started struggling again, UP went the mask and fake me. ew.

But sitting in my beautiful blue-colored living room today, I started thinking about the word "Blue." It describes an emotion, a color, its a term for water "the deep blue," a type of music.... which kinda goes with the emotion/mood blue. And I was thinking, I should change the paint color. I need Joy & Happiness.

Basically I've always struggled with depression. I remember being like 5 years old, and just crying for no reason, other than I just needed to cry. I had this heaviness and loneliness over me and I just needed to cry.  Other times growing up, I would find myself sitting out in our field, just praying for Jesus to come and take me away. Its not like I had a bad life that I was trying to escape. I had great parents and awesome sisters. A really good life. I just didn't know how to verbalize how I felt. I didn't know what was troubling me. In high school I hit a point where I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life and somehow froze internally. I wanted to go to a Bible college so then I could at least learn more of God's Word while I figured it out. But I discovered that wasn't an option, so my depression became thick. I was at an all time low and didn't know what to do. I started college and decided I might as well try somethings I never had, maybe that would help? Seems like everyone partying was having a good time, and I just wanted to be happy again.
Needless to say, none of it helped.

I was told I had to move out, but could move to Oregon and live with my sister, so I chose to do that. I hated the idea of moving to Oregon, but knew I needed a change desperately. Living in a state with no real friends and not knowing I was dealing with depression, was really difficult. Eventually I realized that I was depressed, and was able to look back and see that its not something new to me. Things got better as I leaned on God and grew closer to Him in my walk. this was a great time where I was able to focus my attention and time with God. How true His word is about being single, you have so much time, energy, emotion, mentality and what-not, to focus on God. He rescued me from my depression and blessed me with awesome friends.

And yet, it wasn't the end of it. It seems my life and choices would be like a roller-coaster ride. Up. Down. Slow. Fast. Dizzying. Terrifying. How can I get off at times? How did I get on this ride? And yet, I usually would end up on top. Clinging to God and His word.

When I got pregnant, there was the question that went something like "Do you have Depression?" Really they should re-word it to say "have you ever felt down or depressed at any point in life?" as for me, I was thinking "heck no, I'm HAPPY!" so I didn't check it.
Now thinking back, I should have checked it. I think they would have been able to prepare me more for what its like when all the "happy hormones" rush out of me and leave me a drained, exhausted, overwhelmed new mommy.

My expectations of being a mom were SO far off my experience. I don't have specific details of what I expected, but I never expected to be depressed. I didn't expect to resent people who had it easy and bounced back to normal, or my husband for being happy and enjoying life, or my sweet daughter who screamed in agony and I couldn't take away her pain. Somehow I figure it would be easy, it would be fun and it would be a big joyous event, going back to normal life but with more joy and a sweet happy baby.

Thankfully I learned to reach out. It took a few months or a year... definitely way too overdue. Mentors, Doctors, Sisters, Husband. How do you tell people you feel like you don't know who you are, someone completely different, and you don't like yourself and feel like you're going crazy, without them thinking you ARE crazy???  Of course... no one thought I was crazy, well, maybe Jon. Poor guy. :)
Come to find out, my hormones never went back to a semi-balance of even normal. Some were, but others weren't which were definitely attributing to my depression, self-loathing, lack of self-confidence, feeling alone & isolated, tiredness, lack of deep sleep, craziness, lack of happiness, energy or drive and a deep sense of hopelessness and defeat, that I could barely survive getting through a day.
You have no idea how hopefully it felt to know that "hey, this CAN change! and someone is going to HELP ME!"

My sister Melinda Hughes PA-C has been helping me figure out my hormones by taking some bio-identical hormones & other natural herbs to get my body functioning like it should. Its been a month & half now and its better. I can tell. Not like night and day different, because we are starting low to see if my body will jump-start and do the work itself again, but definitely better!

Through all this, my faith has been tested. My foundation rocked. I honestly can say that this last 2 years have probably been my hardest ever.  I don't think I've ever cried as much, screamed as much, fought as much or been as depressed.  I questioned God, yelled at God, pleaded with Him. Why?! WHY????!? What did I DO wrong?? Please change my life! please change me! please change everything.
And yet, I didn't hear Him change it, or me, or really say anything. I don't know what He is doing in my life. I don't know what purpose this has yet. But I know He is there.
I have a greater understanding for how people can leave their faith. And maybe that is what this was for? I can understand that feeling of wanting to give up... but for what? I couldn't come up with what would be better.  I KNOW God is real. He has spoken to me and helped me in life, and so I couldn't doubt that.
And maybe this is a lesson to be revealed later in life.
I hope not, because its way more encouraging to go through something difficult and then be able to turn around and say "phew I'm out of it, let me help you too now." That has happened before in my life, and I think it definitely helps the healing process speed up! :)

Something that I learned recently...  that focusing too much on my missed expectations, too much attention, emotion, emphasis, time, "shoulds" on them, that I was sinning by doing so. Instead of praising God that I had a healthy baby for the most part and for the people God's place in my life to encourage me and help me medically, I was angry and indignant. How DARE God not go with MY Plans of how MY LIFE was supposed to be.
In all this I thought I was the victim, and I wasn't doing anything wrong. But I was, I was telling GOD how it was supposed to be like. I was telling God what to do. Who do I think I am?
When satan tried that, he was cast out of heaven. yikes. What am I thinking?

There is a vast difference between praying God's promises from His Word and believing IN HIM to do it, vs. TELLING Him what I want and how to do it and demanding it. pleading it. expecting it.

This is my confession, I am fallen and my sin is gross.
I want to be truly retentive and to turn from these ways.
Help me to be more grateful, thankful and to find my purpose & joy in you. Help me to keep Psalm 16:11 as my truth: "You make known to me the path of life;  you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand."

Help me to stay on your Path of Life Lord. To be filled with Joy in YOUR presence. If I am filled with Joy in HIS PRESENCE, I can't be filled with depression. I need to STAY IN HIS presence. Keep me here Lord!!!

Wednesday, March 30, 2011


Seriously, Why has no one said anything like this before? I LOVE IT! So needed for those who haven't had a child, or hasn't had one in a while... :)
There Are No Ordinary Moments: HOW TO BE THE BEST POST PARTUM VISITOR IN 15 MINUT...: "Have a friend who had a baby and you're on the roster to drop off a meal? Here's everything they want you to know and do, but are too ..."

Friday, March 11, 2011

time Marches on...

here it is March already... well... I guess if I blog once a month thats better than not at all! :) hahah

Life is always chaos I have come to the conclusion. Well, maybe not chaos, but at least crazy. If its not one thing, its another.  It feels like there is always a struggle going on. I struggle with myself, I struggle with God, I struggle with Jon, I struggle with Karlie, I struggle with schedules, I struggle with the stupid pets...  and now, I am struggling with a new job. Lately I am asking myself "why do I struggle so??"  Often I want to give up, run away and return to life's simpler days. *sigh*   but that's not really an option.
I cannot go back in time. And trying to relive those days would bring disappointment or frustration. We aren't who we used to be. We aren't where we used to be.

Today in Bible Study one of the ladies shared "If we don't know what's going on, or where we're going. That's good. That means God is in control and doing stuff."
At first I was like "what? that's weird... doesn't make sense!"  but the more it resonated in my mind, the more I understood. If I KNOW where I am and what I'm doing and where I'm going... then maybe I am in control. Not God.  But when I let it all go, and I don't know what's happening... that's GOD in Control.
think... think... think...

I don't like not being in control.


Having been raised Christian, I pretty much know ALL the right things to say, that people what to hear. Not bragging, because really its detrimental to me. But that doesn't mean I KNOW or BELIEVE 100% with conviction that those things are TRUTH FOR ME.  I made Christianity my own faith when I was in high school...   and in college/after days I did some research on other religions to definitely decide this was God's Truth.  So... I find it weird and unsettling that I feel like my Faith's foundation is being so shaken this last year.
But the more I think about it, is that maybe God is trying to shake out all the incorrect belief systems and "christian talk" that I "know" and instead give me my own personal faith and beliefs beyond what I have been taught.
I thought I was happy where I was in my walk with God over a year ago... but I guess He heard my prayer of "Change me oh Lord" and took me up on that offer.

Since becoming a mom, my identity in who I am has changed. I have heard we are to find our identity in Christ, but really... WHAT does that mean???
Often I hear "this is Jon's wife," or "this is Karlie's mom"of find myself describing myself as one of those... but that isn't to define me.
When asked what I do, I say "I am a Graphic Designer, Or I am a stay at home mom" but again - What I do, doesn't define me.

Just saying "I am a child of God" feels so generic and "churchy" that I don't find any answer in that.
So WHO really... Am I??

I don't really like Change.  Why did I ask God to do that??? What was I THINKING??!!?!  This really has been the hardest times of my life, and I am hoping that SOON I will get to the end, up on a mountaintop and look down at this valley of growth and change and say "wow God, that was amazing."
Can that be sooner than later Lord?

I asked a lady in my Bible Study if she would meet with me and help me, as it really seems like she is a year ahead of me in life situations and she is on that Mountaintop. Her valleys were low and hard and dark at times, but she made it through it and it gives me hope that I too, will make it through with the grace that she has now. :) I'm excited to talk with her. This will be good!

Lord, please give me the strength and joy in this time.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Seeking Joy... in all the trouble

I can't believe that its February 15th, and I have not blogged much... well I guess as long as I try to make it once a month, I'm doing it so far this  year! :) YAY me!

To be brutally honest, like I'm trying to be always in this blog... I've had a lot going on just INSIDE of me - my mind, and body, hormones, emotions.  For the last year+ I've felt like I just can't do IT anymore. What's "IT" you may ask... my life.
It seems somehow, somewhere,  I forgot how to be me. I forgot how to be happy. I forgot how to enjoy life. I lost my self-esteem/confidence. Lost my optimism.
I really struggled thinking something had to be wrong with me. Like I was doing something wrong. Or choosing to be this way, only, I had no clue what it was I was doing wrong or how to "choose" to be different, try as I might. I just didn't or couldn't do anything "right" anymore. I thought maybe it was becuase I wasn't reading the Bible EVERYday. or maybe because I was expecting too much from my husband or others.
And maybe I was?

But after going to my sister's women's hormone health workshop, I realized that its my hormones. Looking back, now I understand why doctors/midwives have you marked if you suffered from depression in the past. It wasn't to watch you like a hawk, it was to be prepared to help more if/when needed, and I should have marked the box.

See, I have probably struggled on and off with depression since I was like 7 or 8. I dunno. I remember being little and just crying. I didn't know why. I just was really emotional and sad, and there was nothing that had started it.

In reality there is something off... but its not something I can really control. So I just did a hormone test, because listening and talking to my sister (who is a PA), I am pretty positive that I am low in most my hormones, and this makes me HAPPY...  not to be low, but to realize that its not ME CHOOSING to be this way, I just have some messed up hormones and this can CHANGE! I CAN CHANGE!!!
I am SUPER excited to feel joy and excitement again. I am sick of being a pessimist, when I'm an optimist at heart. But its SUCH a struggle to be optimistic and that is just not right for me to have to force myself to be happy.

This is a BIG change I am SO looking forward to!!!

Another big change was a started a new job today... being an Independant Contractor for my Natorpath Dr. Erickson. I am excited about this, yet stressed. I just fully realized that this is going to be a "At Home" job for a while... which is awesome, but at the same time REALLY HARD TO DO WITH A ONE YEAR OLD!!!  The idea was for me to have a job to go to to - a: help out financially, b: get some "professional Becky time" and c: time away from Karlie and not feel guilty.
sooo... really "c" should be the first one...
I'm not sure how working from home is going to work with Karlie... I can get a babysitter, its just hard because when she KNOWS I'm home, she just wants me. no one else. So having a babysitter come over, isn't really going to work. So I guess I will need to find a place to take her, to have her get watched. this is where the stress and complications come in. I already struggle finding babysitters, how will I find a set-time babysitter, and be able to afford her? And have her watch Karlie elsewhere? Or I guess I could go to a coffeehouse or some office somewhere...  this should be easier I feel! :) haha

And the next BIG change is Jon changing jobs. He has desired for over a year to be a full-time employee for The Pursuit, our church. However, our financial needs require a higher amount they have ever hired someone at. We have cut our budget down to bare bones and yet... it was till more than they could do.  But I really felt we should do it, and so did Jon... so here goes! $400 Less a month than our needs...  But I did start my job which can bring in $300-ish a month. I just know that financial security is HUGE to me, and this isn't doing it for me!! hahah
Whats that? lean on God? ya know... I felt like I have been, but I really don't think I am since money just keeps getting tighter and tighter. And I get more and more stressed. I think stress is a sin for me.
So I'm laying out there, I don't want to stress about Money or anything anymore. I just want joy.

Alas... I'm going to choose Joy and once my hormones get "fixed up" I'll be more than just choosing to be joyous, I really will be! So here is to the next month. I am excited for you February and March! Let's make changes!! This Chapter shall be called "Seeking Joy."

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Friend vs. Acquaintance

SO, last year someone told me "you are a fake friend. you don't mean to be. you just are right now and you can't help it."
I had thought I was a real friend. I had hardly any sleep, struggling to figure out how to be a mom and survive on my 45min-2hr chunks of sleep and was trying to be a friend to my friends when I so desperately needed someone to just hug me and tell me everything would be ok.

Instead... this was the profound, painful thing told to me. Its haunted me for a year.
This person often rubbed me the wrong way, but I knew God put her in my life to help me be a better person. To humble me. To show me where I need to grow. So I constantly was trying to "be a good friend" to her.  Not that I fully went out of my way. Or tried REALLY hard.  just... thought I was. I wasn't doing anything less "friend-like" toward her than any other friends.
I had never ever been told this.

So hearing this from her, hurt.
A lot.

True, what she said wasn't really something a "good friend" would say, but then again, wouldn't a "good friend" tell you the stuff that hurts? The difference is they they would say it IN love and would love you and help you become a better friend, right?

This last year I have really struggled with reaching out to people, as I didn't feel like they didn't have time for me, since they never reached out to me. As I was craving for someone to just call me up and say "hey wanna go to coffee?" or "can I come over and chat" a few times that happened... but nothing like it used to when I had a lot of friends before I had a child. Or was married...
This month I have really decided to take action against what my "friend" had told me about being a fake friend.
I have been struggling to come to terms that maybe I really am not a good friend. Or maybe I used to be, and just because of my post-partum depression, I really just suck at it right now. Which is very likely in either case.

But the more I think of it, I KNOW I have reached out to people asking how they are doing. Invited them over. Texted them. And many of them, I have not received any type of that back. Like they might come hang out with me once in a while, but they aren't going to invite me to do anything.

So thinking more on this, I have decided that maybe what the issue is, is that they aren't friends. Maybe that's what a "good acquaintance" is. I have decided that my view on friends vs. acquaintances is this - your friends will MAKE time for you & anything special pertaining to you. They reach out to YOU as well.
And good acquaintances are just nice to you. You can chat, and they might come hang out, but they don't reach back out to you. They don't text you out of the blue. They don't invite you over.

This month turning 30 - I'm taking a look at all I know, and realize I have A LOT of good acquaintances. Quite a few of the people I called friends, but I think too often that is used, when they aren't really.  Or maybe they were and just life has changed and they have moved on.

So I think for me to be NOT a "fake friend" I need to stop trying to be friends with those who aren't trying to be friends back to me. I'm not "getting rid" of anyone, just not going to put energy into relationships that are 1-sided anymore.
That way I can be a "REAL friend", and put energy into people who are interested in being a "real friend" back to me.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

So much, already

January has a been a full month already and its not exactly over yet.  I turned 30, two of our nephews turned 11 and 17,  a dear friend's mother unexpectedly passed away, a woman in my Bible study suddenly had a brain hemorrhage and passed away, finally got a health answer on my abdominal pain, I had an interview and got a job (not starting for a while), a friend has come to visit for the weekend, having a party for my big 30 this weekend, and am possibly planning to be gone traveling all of February except for one week. Without Jon, but with Karlie. Can I do that?
Emotions are turbulent at best. These dear women passing away have really caused me to stop and remember that LIFE is PRECIOUS and fleeting. We can't take a day for granted. We have to rejoice that we will see these women again one day. God has great plans and its selfish to want to keep everyone near us while we are here on earth, but I still hurt for my friends who are suffering this loss. I can't imagine being in the shoes of either of these families.
And then I get busy, and I forget about making each moment important and meaningful. About creating more time to hold the ones closer that are dear to me.

Motherhood has already been working on my selfishness. I never would have said I was so selfish, but being a mom you constantly are choosing to do what is best for your kid (really it is the best for you too in the end, but doesn't really feel like it at the moment) and put your wants aside. Its so good for me. But hard!!
And I'm learning to be more content. oh... two hard lessons at once, Lord have mercy on me!!!  Yet He promises to not give us more than we can handle. So often I feel so overwhelmed.

In Bible study this week Beth Moore was talking about how it takes energy to be defeated and depressed. That is SUCKS the life out of us and that is why you are always SO tired and just want to sleep. amen. I can agree to that. For so long I really thought "I" had beat depression. Oh yes, God helped me. But I did it.
Well, Postpartum, here you are. The Lord is showing me that "I" did not beat anything. I may have repressed it and held it off, but only the LORD can heal me and remove it from me. As I've struggled these past 15 months, or more... So often I have felt my cries fall on deaf ears. I felt as though the Lord wasn't listening, didn't care, had more important things than me and it made me angry. So angry. I have never been more angry at the Lord than I have this last year. And I've told Him that.  I have screamed, cried, thrown fits, told Him I was going to leave Him if He didn't do something soon. 
Yes. Me.
I am sure He just was loving me in my fits saying "Baby, I'm working on this already. Why do you think you are having these fits?? why do you think you haven't left? I am here, my grace IS sufficient. You need to lean on ME and not your own ways. I WILL give you the endurance and strength. You and I both know it, but we have a lot of this Selfishness and Control issues that need to be dealt with, and you just need to keep holding on and believing, we're getting through it."
I didn't want to work on me. I was "fixed" already! I had taken care of what I saw needed "fixin" already Lord.  Why you wanna mess a "good thing" that I had goin already? Couldn't He just make things around me easier and better than they were and leave me alone? 
I didn't mean that.
did I?

Okay. I am going to cling to you like a clinging vine Lord. I can't do this. Only You can and You will have to give me the strength and endurance and JOY and love while going through this, because I am empty. I AM exhausted. I am SO tired from my defeat and depression, that I can't fight. So Lord, please fight on my behalf.

I am believing that He IS creating a New Thing in me.  Its kinda scary, I don't know what/who this "new thing" is and what if I don't like me? That's silly, I know. But I'm kinda excited too. I am tired of this. Tired of being sad, depressed, unsure.
I am ready to be POSITIVE, upbeat, energetic, excited about life, definitely wanting something NEW! I guess my prayers for the Lord to CHANGE ME, has been heard! :)  when you pray it, watch out, He will move. But He is so good. He will help you through it.